Coming To Terms
Waking up the next morning I felt unusually groggy, normally I’m up and ready when it’s time to take off to school. But just something about it seemed impossible. I couldn’t force myself to move, almost like my body was lead and my will power wasn’t strong enough to lift it. Mustering every ounce of strength that I had I sat up right, the room was spinning. Just as I had come to my senses I realized that mom was in my room with the test. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach start to flutter. “I’m going to Wal-Mart, here is the test. Take it before I get home.”, she said. Not wanting to argue or make this any harder on either of us, I said, “Okay.” and that was that.
The whole time she was gone I avoided that stupid test, not because I was afraid of what it would say, hell I already knew, but because I knew it would disappoint mom. She trusted me and I had let her down. Some daughter I was, following in her footsteps, I might as well just slap her in the face. But because I knew that she was expecting a result when she got back, I sucked it up and took it. Still “Positive”. So I sat on the computer not blinking awaiting the fight.
She walked through the door and it was like she knew before I said anything. At least I can say my mother isn’t the stupidest person to walk the face of the earth. She grabbed the test and cried. It felt like someone had stabbed me in my heart. I sat there and let her cry, I deserved it. Every bit of it. I had done this, not just to Justin, not just to myself, but to my mother, my step-father and my siblings too. I had ruined everything. This was the example I was setting. It’s okay Heather, Vikki and Dalton, you can get pregnant at 16, no problem it’s not like I didn’t do it. Who am I to judge? Now the only thing that stood between me and wanting to run for my life was my mom, visibly hurt by the consequence of my actions.
Not long after the crying started it was over with. She looked at me and I could see the pain I had inflected in her beautiful hazel eyes. I wanted to say sorry, to make this right, but it was to late. My life was over, all my dreams were gone. Now I know what it felt like to be an adult. Now I knew what it was like to experience what I have dreaded sense day one. I was no longer Daddy’s little princess, now I was his little whore. He little girl who never amounted to anything, who threw her life away for a boy. I didn’t eat dinner. Although I know I should have, not eating wasn’t good for the baby and sense mom was refusing to tell dad I wanted to buy as much time as possible before I had to break the news. Just a few more days playing Daddy’s little princess. I wasn’t ready for that change.
The next morning Justin had come over and agreed to tell dad that I was infact pregnant. We sat on the couch for a long time, all I wanted to do was beat the living hell out of him. Which would be a lot better than what dad is going to do when we tell him the news. Hours flew by. Faster than they should have, and without even realizing it was time for us to tell him. I had bought enough time, hell it had been almost three weeks sense the first pregnancy test had come back “Positive”. I was doomed.
Dad walked in, he seemed a little surprised that Justin was even here. But he played it off like it was nothing. He walked to the room and we followed. Mom was right behind me whispering in my ear the whole way down the hall, “Your gunna get it. Your gunna get it.” Seriously mom? Now that I look back your still just a child at heart. Wasn’t no sooner than the door closed Justin started shaking. He looked daddy in the eyes and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I got your daughter pregnant.” I flinched, I guess it’s just a nervous reaction because there was no reason whatsoever for me to be the one flinching. Dad looked at me then at Justin, then back to me, and smiled. “Hell, I knew she was pregnant!” My jaw dropped, mom laughed.
The following weeks where a blur of phone calls trying to find an OB-GYN and setting up doctors appointments, calling the school, and my grandparents. I was beginning to fear that this was what the rest of my pregnancy had in store for me, angry relatives. In saying which, a baby is supposed to be a celebrated thing. Mom has always told me that when you find the one you love it is nothing but natural to start a family, besides it’s not like me and Justin were breaking up. We were engaged. He was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, he is the father of my baby. In saying which, I rest my case.
That afternoon I was pulled out of school, considered a drop out. It’s not that I wanted to quit school, as a matter a fact is was done with me kicking and screaming the whole time. Just because I was going to be a mother did not mean that I couldn’t finish high school, besides there are plenty of girls I know that are pregnant and still go to school. Dad was dead set on it would be a bad example to go to school at sixteen pregnant, that I would just be showboating. Showing all the other girls at my school that it was publicly acceptable to be pregnant so young. I don’t think it was because he hated the baby, I just think he was concerned. All he really wants is for me to do what’s right, aren’t all parents that way? Finally I gave in, I let him do what he wanted and I was a drop out.
The next day was the day, my first doctor’s appointment with a Dr. Bledsoe. I cannot even put into words how nervous I had become. I felt jittery and could not sit still, today is the day I finally got to see what was taking place inside of me. I had done my best, and convinced Justin to come along. Even though it was a task in itself to drag him kicking and screaming to a person that he referred to as my “Woman doctor”. At 2:30 p.m. we were sitting in the waiting room waiting to go back and meet with the man who would deliver my child. I could feel the butterflies start to fly around all over again, I found myself in a state of panic. This was it. There was no turning back now, I was here and it was time to come to terms with what was happening, because this was happening. This wasn’t a dream like I had hoped, there was no waking up from it. It was the cold reality, it was real.
We were called back into a room that was huge, probably because the realized that it wasn’t just me, it was mom, grandma and Justin, too. I was told to undress from the waist down and put a sheet over me so that nobody can see, seriously? Like its something that nobody has seen before. Hell, the doctor does this on a daily basis, my mom gave birth to me, my grandma used to give me baths, for god sakes, doctors are retarded. When I was done undressing the doctor came in, he was all of 6 foot tall. Nobody seemed to like him but me. Mom kept mumbling to grandma and Justin just twirled his thumbs. After going over the list of what to expect, everything that I couldn’t do, what to eat, how to care for myself and my unborn baby, and a pile of questions, like when was your last period? Can you give me an exact date? Do you do drugs? And my favorite, are you sexually active? What kind of idiot was he? If I wasn’t sexually active I wouldn’t be here and in this situation now would I. I laughed at the question. Mom elbowed me which made me laugh even more. At that time Dr. Bledsoe said that he was going to go grab an ultrasound machine so that we could see just how old my “Little Peanut” was.
We sat there for what seemed like hours waiting for him to come back. I was just about to get dressed because I thought he had forgot about us, he waltzed back in, pushing this huge television screen with all these weird hook ups. “Are you ready to see the damage?”. he asked. I nodded. He put this cold stuff on me, now I know what it was, it’s like petroleum jelly, but at the time all I knew was that it was cold. I pushed one of the hookups onto my stomach and there it was. Arms, a head, spine, legs. Beautiful life!!! I cried. Not because I was sad, I don’t think. I was just so overwhelmed with so many feeling I didn’t know how to express it. Right there on the television screen pointed directly where I could see what my baby, my life, my joy, my everything. It seemed so right, like everything was falling into place. When I looked at mom and grandma, they too, were crying. But it wasn’t a said cry, I could tell that much. They were smiling with tears. They were happy. Justin was trying to stay out of view. He kept trying to hide, I found out from mom that the minute he saw that little baby, he had burst into tears and was trying not to let me see. He didn’t want to ruin this special moment for me.
“well, your definitely pregnant, 16 weeks to be exact.”, his words broke through the silence like a knife. I was floored.
“Really? I was that far along? But I only found out four weeks ago.”, I replied. But stranger things have happened. He took some pictures and we looked at my baby some more to see if it was developing on track like it should be or if there were any precautions that needed to be taken, turns out the baby was healthy. He gave me out pictures, told me to schedule for 2 weeks and he would see me then. So I did.
On the ride home, there was this joy that was pouring from me. This was it, I was a mommy and I had the pictures to prove it. I was in love, with a tiny person that I didn’t even know. I had bonded so closely with someone that doesn’t even know who I am. I loved this baby without even knowing who it was. I was coming to terms. It felt great. A love like no other. I was ready to give up anything for this child, even if it meant my own life. I was in love. I was a mom and it felt great.
The whole time she was gone I avoided that stupid test, not because I was afraid of what it would say, hell I already knew, but because I knew it would disappoint mom. She trusted me and I had let her down. Some daughter I was, following in her footsteps, I might as well just slap her in the face. But because I knew that she was expecting a result when she got back, I sucked it up and took it. Still “Positive”. So I sat on the computer not blinking awaiting the fight.
She walked through the door and it was like she knew before I said anything. At least I can say my mother isn’t the stupidest person to walk the face of the earth. She grabbed the test and cried. It felt like someone had stabbed me in my heart. I sat there and let her cry, I deserved it. Every bit of it. I had done this, not just to Justin, not just to myself, but to my mother, my step-father and my siblings too. I had ruined everything. This was the example I was setting. It’s okay Heather, Vikki and Dalton, you can get pregnant at 16, no problem it’s not like I didn’t do it. Who am I to judge? Now the only thing that stood between me and wanting to run for my life was my mom, visibly hurt by the consequence of my actions.
Not long after the crying started it was over with. She looked at me and I could see the pain I had inflected in her beautiful hazel eyes. I wanted to say sorry, to make this right, but it was to late. My life was over, all my dreams were gone. Now I know what it felt like to be an adult. Now I knew what it was like to experience what I have dreaded sense day one. I was no longer Daddy’s little princess, now I was his little whore. He little girl who never amounted to anything, who threw her life away for a boy. I didn’t eat dinner. Although I know I should have, not eating wasn’t good for the baby and sense mom was refusing to tell dad I wanted to buy as much time as possible before I had to break the news. Just a few more days playing Daddy’s little princess. I wasn’t ready for that change.
The next morning Justin had come over and agreed to tell dad that I was infact pregnant. We sat on the couch for a long time, all I wanted to do was beat the living hell out of him. Which would be a lot better than what dad is going to do when we tell him the news. Hours flew by. Faster than they should have, and without even realizing it was time for us to tell him. I had bought enough time, hell it had been almost three weeks sense the first pregnancy test had come back “Positive”. I was doomed.
Dad walked in, he seemed a little surprised that Justin was even here. But he played it off like it was nothing. He walked to the room and we followed. Mom was right behind me whispering in my ear the whole way down the hall, “Your gunna get it. Your gunna get it.” Seriously mom? Now that I look back your still just a child at heart. Wasn’t no sooner than the door closed Justin started shaking. He looked daddy in the eyes and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I got your daughter pregnant.” I flinched, I guess it’s just a nervous reaction because there was no reason whatsoever for me to be the one flinching. Dad looked at me then at Justin, then back to me, and smiled. “Hell, I knew she was pregnant!” My jaw dropped, mom laughed.
The following weeks where a blur of phone calls trying to find an OB-GYN and setting up doctors appointments, calling the school, and my grandparents. I was beginning to fear that this was what the rest of my pregnancy had in store for me, angry relatives. In saying which, a baby is supposed to be a celebrated thing. Mom has always told me that when you find the one you love it is nothing but natural to start a family, besides it’s not like me and Justin were breaking up. We were engaged. He was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, he is the father of my baby. In saying which, I rest my case.
That afternoon I was pulled out of school, considered a drop out. It’s not that I wanted to quit school, as a matter a fact is was done with me kicking and screaming the whole time. Just because I was going to be a mother did not mean that I couldn’t finish high school, besides there are plenty of girls I know that are pregnant and still go to school. Dad was dead set on it would be a bad example to go to school at sixteen pregnant, that I would just be showboating. Showing all the other girls at my school that it was publicly acceptable to be pregnant so young. I don’t think it was because he hated the baby, I just think he was concerned. All he really wants is for me to do what’s right, aren’t all parents that way? Finally I gave in, I let him do what he wanted and I was a drop out.
The next day was the day, my first doctor’s appointment with a Dr. Bledsoe. I cannot even put into words how nervous I had become. I felt jittery and could not sit still, today is the day I finally got to see what was taking place inside of me. I had done my best, and convinced Justin to come along. Even though it was a task in itself to drag him kicking and screaming to a person that he referred to as my “Woman doctor”. At 2:30 p.m. we were sitting in the waiting room waiting to go back and meet with the man who would deliver my child. I could feel the butterflies start to fly around all over again, I found myself in a state of panic. This was it. There was no turning back now, I was here and it was time to come to terms with what was happening, because this was happening. This wasn’t a dream like I had hoped, there was no waking up from it. It was the cold reality, it was real.
We were called back into a room that was huge, probably because the realized that it wasn’t just me, it was mom, grandma and Justin, too. I was told to undress from the waist down and put a sheet over me so that nobody can see, seriously? Like its something that nobody has seen before. Hell, the doctor does this on a daily basis, my mom gave birth to me, my grandma used to give me baths, for god sakes, doctors are retarded. When I was done undressing the doctor came in, he was all of 6 foot tall. Nobody seemed to like him but me. Mom kept mumbling to grandma and Justin just twirled his thumbs. After going over the list of what to expect, everything that I couldn’t do, what to eat, how to care for myself and my unborn baby, and a pile of questions, like when was your last period? Can you give me an exact date? Do you do drugs? And my favorite, are you sexually active? What kind of idiot was he? If I wasn’t sexually active I wouldn’t be here and in this situation now would I. I laughed at the question. Mom elbowed me which made me laugh even more. At that time Dr. Bledsoe said that he was going to go grab an ultrasound machine so that we could see just how old my “Little Peanut” was.
We sat there for what seemed like hours waiting for him to come back. I was just about to get dressed because I thought he had forgot about us, he waltzed back in, pushing this huge television screen with all these weird hook ups. “Are you ready to see the damage?”. he asked. I nodded. He put this cold stuff on me, now I know what it was, it’s like petroleum jelly, but at the time all I knew was that it was cold. I pushed one of the hookups onto my stomach and there it was. Arms, a head, spine, legs. Beautiful life!!! I cried. Not because I was sad, I don’t think. I was just so overwhelmed with so many feeling I didn’t know how to express it. Right there on the television screen pointed directly where I could see what my baby, my life, my joy, my everything. It seemed so right, like everything was falling into place. When I looked at mom and grandma, they too, were crying. But it wasn’t a said cry, I could tell that much. They were smiling with tears. They were happy. Justin was trying to stay out of view. He kept trying to hide, I found out from mom that the minute he saw that little baby, he had burst into tears and was trying not to let me see. He didn’t want to ruin this special moment for me.
“well, your definitely pregnant, 16 weeks to be exact.”, his words broke through the silence like a knife. I was floored.
“Really? I was that far along? But I only found out four weeks ago.”, I replied. But stranger things have happened. He took some pictures and we looked at my baby some more to see if it was developing on track like it should be or if there were any precautions that needed to be taken, turns out the baby was healthy. He gave me out pictures, told me to schedule for 2 weeks and he would see me then. So I did.
On the ride home, there was this joy that was pouring from me. This was it, I was a mommy and I had the pictures to prove it. I was in love, with a tiny person that I didn’t even know. I had bonded so closely with someone that doesn’t even know who I am. I loved this baby without even knowing who it was. I was coming to terms. It felt great. A love like no other. I was ready to give up anything for this child, even if it meant my own life. I was in love. I was a mom and it felt great.
