Near Perfection? Never.
It wasn’t long after that, I was informed that Justin had wanted me to move in. I had been spending more time there than at my house anyway so we were going to discuss it with his mom. It sounded like a great plan. It’s not like we were going to be there for long, just long enough for us to get married and stable. We’d be out of there by the time Nathaniel was a little over a year. Our plan was flawless. With a little coaxing on his mom’s part both of his parents were in agreement and I was moved in by that next weekend.
Living together was a lot harder than we had first thought, we were fighting so much and with every fight Justin got louder and more aggressive. Our arguments seemed to stem out of everything, from what we watched on TV to what I was allowed to wear the next day. Jana called it the honeymoon phase. I don’t see why she called it that we weren’t due to get married until August and this was December. I just went along with it. I was fine generally as long as he wasn’t around to point out something that I had done wrong.
Nathaniel had grown quite a bit during this time. He still didn’t do much other than want to be fed and sleep. Jana used to tell me that it was normal for children to do that until at least 4 or 5 months. So I never questioned it. She was a lot better with him than I was. There were nights were she would see that we were fighting and that I was drained and she would take him for the whole night so that I could attempt to sleep. Things didn’t get much better, Justin’s brother, Aaron, had a freaky obsession with me. It was every chance he got to tag along and hug me. And these weren’t normal hugs, these were let me lay my head on your chest hugs. Usually I would have said something. If not to Justin but to Aaron. But he had this problem with his legs, and he had to walk around with crutches while his legs just kind of dragged behind him, so I guess in a way it was more in pity not to say anything to anybody than it was anything.
Time progressed rather quickly from there it seems. Mine and Jana’s sits at the coffee table to smoke and chat about nothing and everything turned into doctors appointments, working in the garden and making the stuff for the wedding. I wasn’t really picky. After all, as long as it looked Hawaiian I was willing to use it. Justin would come home from work and quickly go straight to bed. Which was fine with me. If I knew then why, it wouldn’t have been. It seemed rather okayish. At least if Justin didn’t want to spend time with me, Jana did.
Just a few weeks after the first time Justin came in and went straight to the room he walked in looking blazed over. Wayne caught him at the door.
“What the hell is wrong with you Justin?”
We could hear Wayne all the way down the hall in Jana’s and his room where we were sitting with Nathaniel trying our best not to listen and get the flowers fixed for the arrangement of the wedding party.
“Nothing dad.” Justin replied
“Then where the fuck have you been? You got out of school 5 hours ago.” Wayne asked.
“I fell asleep in the car.”
With that the room fell silent.
“Alright, go lay down. I’ll have your mom come get you when dinner is finished.” Wayne said.
With that we heard Wayne make his way back to the computer and sit down. He couldn’t really believe that Justin had just fallen asleep in the car in the parking lot of the high school. That is ridiculous. I was able to tell by walking into the room that he was stoned. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what weed smells like. to
“Justin, none of were stupid. That we all knew what you have been out doing. You were getting high.“ I said, I was fuming.
But before I could open my mouth to say anything else he jumped off the bed and flung the door shut. I knew for sure I was in trouble. He was standing in between me and my only escape. He put his arm behind his back and locked it. I looked around frantically for a way out, then I saw it. My only option. The window. I could dart for it but the minute I do, he would catch me. I knew it as well as he did.
I turned a threw myself toward the window with every ounce of strength that I had. Only to be grabbed and thrown into the dresser.
“Don’t fuck with me right now Ali, I will kill you.” he said as he picked me up like I was nothing and set me back on my feet.
“Justin. Ali. Come eat.” Thank god for Jana.
He was out of the room in a flash leaving his phone and other personal items. I looked at the phone when it started to vibrate. A text from some girl named Brandi. Curiosity got the best of me so I flipped it open.
“Hey baby. Today was amazing. Next time we get high and have sex can we do it at your place? I’ll bring the toys. BB&JG”
Seriously? I couldn’t believe this. I closed his phone and went to eat.
After dinner and everybody was asleep, me and Justin sat up and watched movies. It was nearing midnight when he started to make his move. I knew what he wanted and there was no way in hell he was getting it from me. Every time he leaned in, I pushed him further away.
“What the fuck is your problem?” He asked
“I just don’t see how you could want to do it again after just doing it this afternoon.” I replied.
“What are you talking about?” Justin asked
“Don’t play stupid. I read the text. Brandi let me know everything. By the way. She tested right before dinner.” I said.
Was I listening to myself? I sounded so cocky. Did I like being thrown around like a rag doll?
“Ali, I was going to tell you. I was.” He said
“Really, when did calling it off become sex?” I asked
Then it happened. I knew it was coming. This time was different though. For some reason it hurt a lot worse. I felt the instant pain then black. When I woke up I was naked and Justin was sitting next to me smoking. Did he do what he wanted to anyway? Even after I said no? I was losing my mind. When I looked at Justin he threw an empty beer bottle at me and said, “I better never have to ask for it again.” Then he left the room.
I got up and surveyed my naked body. My once perfect skin was not marked horribly with bruises. My arms had his hands laced around them perfectly. Even in the dark light you could make out the bruised along my chest from the biting and the clawing. I walked to the dresser and put something on. I feel to the floor the minute I was covered and I cried.
“Ali, Are you okay? You look hurt.”
I looked up and Aaron was sitting in the door way.
“How long have you been there?” I asked.
“Long enough to see the bruises on your arm.” He replied.
“Aaron I swear.” I went to say
“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anybody.” With that he shook his head and went into his room.
So that was that. Here we are so close to the wedding and Justin found somebody new. I wanted to be with him so bad. I worked so hard to get to where we were. Leaving now seems like such a waste. Then I looked over in the crib beside the bed and saw Nathaniel sleeping so peacefully. Enough was enough. I had to make this work. Nathaniel was going to know his father.
Living together was a lot harder than we had first thought, we were fighting so much and with every fight Justin got louder and more aggressive. Our arguments seemed to stem out of everything, from what we watched on TV to what I was allowed to wear the next day. Jana called it the honeymoon phase. I don’t see why she called it that we weren’t due to get married until August and this was December. I just went along with it. I was fine generally as long as he wasn’t around to point out something that I had done wrong.
Nathaniel had grown quite a bit during this time. He still didn’t do much other than want to be fed and sleep. Jana used to tell me that it was normal for children to do that until at least 4 or 5 months. So I never questioned it. She was a lot better with him than I was. There were nights were she would see that we were fighting and that I was drained and she would take him for the whole night so that I could attempt to sleep. Things didn’t get much better, Justin’s brother, Aaron, had a freaky obsession with me. It was every chance he got to tag along and hug me. And these weren’t normal hugs, these were let me lay my head on your chest hugs. Usually I would have said something. If not to Justin but to Aaron. But he had this problem with his legs, and he had to walk around with crutches while his legs just kind of dragged behind him, so I guess in a way it was more in pity not to say anything to anybody than it was anything.
Time progressed rather quickly from there it seems. Mine and Jana’s sits at the coffee table to smoke and chat about nothing and everything turned into doctors appointments, working in the garden and making the stuff for the wedding. I wasn’t really picky. After all, as long as it looked Hawaiian I was willing to use it. Justin would come home from work and quickly go straight to bed. Which was fine with me. If I knew then why, it wouldn’t have been. It seemed rather okayish. At least if Justin didn’t want to spend time with me, Jana did.
Just a few weeks after the first time Justin came in and went straight to the room he walked in looking blazed over. Wayne caught him at the door.
“What the hell is wrong with you Justin?”
We could hear Wayne all the way down the hall in Jana’s and his room where we were sitting with Nathaniel trying our best not to listen and get the flowers fixed for the arrangement of the wedding party.
“Nothing dad.” Justin replied
“Then where the fuck have you been? You got out of school 5 hours ago.” Wayne asked.
“I fell asleep in the car.”
With that the room fell silent.
“Alright, go lay down. I’ll have your mom come get you when dinner is finished.” Wayne said.
With that we heard Wayne make his way back to the computer and sit down. He couldn’t really believe that Justin had just fallen asleep in the car in the parking lot of the high school. That is ridiculous. I was able to tell by walking into the room that he was stoned. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what weed smells like. to
“Justin, none of were stupid. That we all knew what you have been out doing. You were getting high.“ I said, I was fuming.
But before I could open my mouth to say anything else he jumped off the bed and flung the door shut. I knew for sure I was in trouble. He was standing in between me and my only escape. He put his arm behind his back and locked it. I looked around frantically for a way out, then I saw it. My only option. The window. I could dart for it but the minute I do, he would catch me. I knew it as well as he did.
I turned a threw myself toward the window with every ounce of strength that I had. Only to be grabbed and thrown into the dresser.
“Don’t fuck with me right now Ali, I will kill you.” he said as he picked me up like I was nothing and set me back on my feet.
“Justin. Ali. Come eat.” Thank god for Jana.
He was out of the room in a flash leaving his phone and other personal items. I looked at the phone when it started to vibrate. A text from some girl named Brandi. Curiosity got the best of me so I flipped it open.
“Hey baby. Today was amazing. Next time we get high and have sex can we do it at your place? I’ll bring the toys. BB&JG”
Seriously? I couldn’t believe this. I closed his phone and went to eat.
After dinner and everybody was asleep, me and Justin sat up and watched movies. It was nearing midnight when he started to make his move. I knew what he wanted and there was no way in hell he was getting it from me. Every time he leaned in, I pushed him further away.
“What the fuck is your problem?” He asked
“I just don’t see how you could want to do it again after just doing it this afternoon.” I replied.
“What are you talking about?” Justin asked
“Don’t play stupid. I read the text. Brandi let me know everything. By the way. She tested right before dinner.” I said.
Was I listening to myself? I sounded so cocky. Did I like being thrown around like a rag doll?
“Ali, I was going to tell you. I was.” He said
“Really, when did calling it off become sex?” I asked
Then it happened. I knew it was coming. This time was different though. For some reason it hurt a lot worse. I felt the instant pain then black. When I woke up I was naked and Justin was sitting next to me smoking. Did he do what he wanted to anyway? Even after I said no? I was losing my mind. When I looked at Justin he threw an empty beer bottle at me and said, “I better never have to ask for it again.” Then he left the room.
I got up and surveyed my naked body. My once perfect skin was not marked horribly with bruises. My arms had his hands laced around them perfectly. Even in the dark light you could make out the bruised along my chest from the biting and the clawing. I walked to the dresser and put something on. I feel to the floor the minute I was covered and I cried.
“Ali, Are you okay? You look hurt.”
I looked up and Aaron was sitting in the door way.
“How long have you been there?” I asked.
“Long enough to see the bruises on your arm.” He replied.
“Aaron I swear.” I went to say
“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anybody.” With that he shook his head and went into his room.
So that was that. Here we are so close to the wedding and Justin found somebody new. I wanted to be with him so bad. I worked so hard to get to where we were. Leaving now seems like such a waste. Then I looked over in the crib beside the bed and saw Nathaniel sleeping so peacefully. Enough was enough. I had to make this work. Nathaniel was going to know his father.
