The Decision That Changed My Life Forever
The weeks pressed on and Justin’s parents didn’t let up, I could feel myself weakening beneath the pressure of wanting to do what was right and doing what was best for me, and apparently I was no closer to do a good job as I would have been if I would have gone about it differently. I think the final blow was the conversations that me and Justin had been having on wither to abort like his parents wanted me too or to keep the baby and move, I hate to say it, but that is when I started to lose Justin.
“Maybe my parents are right. I don’t want another kid.” he said
“What about me and what I want? I want my child.” I replied over dinner at Denny’s.
“Ali, think about it, two kids at 18. It seems like to much.” he said
“No this is to much.” I said as I got up and went to leave. Justin caught me before I got to the car.
“You either abort the baby Ali, or I swear to god I will kill you.” He whispered as he had me by the arm.
“Fine” I said, half defeated.
I didn’t bring it up again, Justin had been serious otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he had done. I had known Justin for 3 years and I knew when to take him seriously and when not too, so to be honest I hid my tears when he told me about my appointment that next day at the abortion clinic on the way home. He didn’t even let me decide. He had went ahead and made the appointment. What was I going to do now? Now that I was going to be a murderer.
“Your appointment is tomorrow.” He told me, “Mom is going to watch Nathaniel.”
“why would you do this to me?” I cried
“It has to be done.” He said
“Why are you making me do this?” I was crying so hard you couldn’t even make out what I was trying to say.
“You’ll get over it.” He said.
I had always been pro-life, I couldn’t even harm a fly if told too, now I was going to be the worst kind of person there was, I was going against everything that I stood for, everything that I believed it. He had taken that from me just as he had taken so much from me before. I didn’t sleep that night, I spent all of it crying and apologizing to the baby that I had named Haely.
The next morning we set off for the clinic, I didn’t talk to Justin for the ride nor did I talk to him the whole time that we were there.
They took me back for an ultrasound and then took me back into a room with some lady who I hadn’t seen before and drilled me.
“You’re here for an abortion?” She asked
“Yes” I said through my tears.
“Hunny don’t cry, what you have to realize is that nobody will think anything of it as a matter of a fact nobody even has to know what you are here for.” She said,
“seriously lady? Nobody is going to know what I went into this clinic for when there is a huge sign on the door stating that you murder babies here.” I told her, half mad and half depressed.
“Sweetie what you have to realize that in the world there is black and white and as all black and white there is bound to be grey areas and this is one of them. Don’t beat yourself up over what you are doing.” she said
“Yeah. Can I at least seem my baby before you take her from me” I said, by then I had started crying again.
“Sure, it is about eight weeks along” She said as she slid me the ultrasound picture. I broke down, I couldn’t hold it back any longer, they had brought me to the place I wanted nothing to do with, they had drugged me and drilled me and now they were going to take a part of me and expect me to be okay with it. How was this right? I wanted to go home, but by then, it was to late.
Back in the room they had taken me too. I had begged the nurse not to leave me alone, I was afraid. I didn’t want to do this, and most of all if I had too I didn’t want to be alone. She promised that she would stay with me the whole time and when the doctor can in I started to spit venom every time he asked me a question and with that he turned taking my child into some kind of big joke and it wasn’t, all it was doing was feeding an open fire that was ready to spontaneously com bust.
“Are you ready to get rid of the pregnancy?” he asked
“Doc, she is taking this hard, please don’t make jokes.” The nurse had said, which left me dumb founded. How can somebody as heartless as the people that work in a place like this be taking up for me the way she was.
“Are you ready? Grab my hand.” She said grabbing my hand, “I won’t let you go.”
Then it started, the extreme pain. It hurt so much worse physically than labor and ten times worse emotionally. But that didn’t matter. It was to late.
I never forgave Justin or myself for what happened that day, and I have never been the same. I live with this everyday. Knowing that I would have had my baby but I don’t. knowing that I am a cold blooded killer. I loved that baby with all of my heart and I cannot express that enough, but I did what I did. I have a tattoo on my chest now that reminds me of the baby that never got a chance to be, because of me. I pray to her and to god everyday, because it kills me inside. I will never be the same Ali again. The abortion had changed me, forever.
“Maybe my parents are right. I don’t want another kid.” he said
“What about me and what I want? I want my child.” I replied over dinner at Denny’s.
“Ali, think about it, two kids at 18. It seems like to much.” he said
“No this is to much.” I said as I got up and went to leave. Justin caught me before I got to the car.
“You either abort the baby Ali, or I swear to god I will kill you.” He whispered as he had me by the arm.
“Fine” I said, half defeated.
I didn’t bring it up again, Justin had been serious otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he had done. I had known Justin for 3 years and I knew when to take him seriously and when not too, so to be honest I hid my tears when he told me about my appointment that next day at the abortion clinic on the way home. He didn’t even let me decide. He had went ahead and made the appointment. What was I going to do now? Now that I was going to be a murderer.
“Your appointment is tomorrow.” He told me, “Mom is going to watch Nathaniel.”
“why would you do this to me?” I cried
“It has to be done.” He said
“Why are you making me do this?” I was crying so hard you couldn’t even make out what I was trying to say.
“You’ll get over it.” He said.
I had always been pro-life, I couldn’t even harm a fly if told too, now I was going to be the worst kind of person there was, I was going against everything that I stood for, everything that I believed it. He had taken that from me just as he had taken so much from me before. I didn’t sleep that night, I spent all of it crying and apologizing to the baby that I had named Haely.
The next morning we set off for the clinic, I didn’t talk to Justin for the ride nor did I talk to him the whole time that we were there.
They took me back for an ultrasound and then took me back into a room with some lady who I hadn’t seen before and drilled me.
“You’re here for an abortion?” She asked
“Yes” I said through my tears.
“Hunny don’t cry, what you have to realize is that nobody will think anything of it as a matter of a fact nobody even has to know what you are here for.” She said,
“seriously lady? Nobody is going to know what I went into this clinic for when there is a huge sign on the door stating that you murder babies here.” I told her, half mad and half depressed.
“Sweetie what you have to realize that in the world there is black and white and as all black and white there is bound to be grey areas and this is one of them. Don’t beat yourself up over what you are doing.” she said
“Yeah. Can I at least seem my baby before you take her from me” I said, by then I had started crying again.
“Sure, it is about eight weeks along” She said as she slid me the ultrasound picture. I broke down, I couldn’t hold it back any longer, they had brought me to the place I wanted nothing to do with, they had drugged me and drilled me and now they were going to take a part of me and expect me to be okay with it. How was this right? I wanted to go home, but by then, it was to late.
Back in the room they had taken me too. I had begged the nurse not to leave me alone, I was afraid. I didn’t want to do this, and most of all if I had too I didn’t want to be alone. She promised that she would stay with me the whole time and when the doctor can in I started to spit venom every time he asked me a question and with that he turned taking my child into some kind of big joke and it wasn’t, all it was doing was feeding an open fire that was ready to spontaneously com bust.
“Are you ready to get rid of the pregnancy?” he asked
“Doc, she is taking this hard, please don’t make jokes.” The nurse had said, which left me dumb founded. How can somebody as heartless as the people that work in a place like this be taking up for me the way she was.
“Are you ready? Grab my hand.” She said grabbing my hand, “I won’t let you go.”
Then it started, the extreme pain. It hurt so much worse physically than labor and ten times worse emotionally. But that didn’t matter. It was to late.
I never forgave Justin or myself for what happened that day, and I have never been the same. I live with this everyday. Knowing that I would have had my baby but I don’t. knowing that I am a cold blooded killer. I loved that baby with all of my heart and I cannot express that enough, but I did what I did. I have a tattoo on my chest now that reminds me of the baby that never got a chance to be, because of me. I pray to her and to god everyday, because it kills me inside. I will never be the same Ali again. The abortion had changed me, forever.
