It's All Downhill From Here
The weeks that followed had become hectic. Preparing for Nathaniel, buying clothes. I didn’t buy to much of anything because mom told me that I would get a lot at the baby shower and whatever I didn’t get there I could buy later on. Justin had started coming around again, it made me so happy. It wouldn’t be to much longer until I was 17! It sucked because I didn’t want to spend it pregnant but it helped knowing that Justin would be there for me.
Things had started getting weird for me. All I wanted to do these past few weeks is clean. My mom called it nesting. I called it annoying. Sleep was becoming rare. I found myself staying up all night just to paint. Which made me super glad when I was told that Justin was coming over. It meant that it was time to whined down and relax. Even if all we did was watch Cats. I was on the couch watching a scary movie with Victoria when Justin got there. I can’t exactly recall which one it was. We were all the time watching scary movies, there were so many of them that I lost track when she flipped out watching Carrie. I sat there with her, enjoying the last little bit of blood and guts that I would get to see for the rest of the night.
“Are we going to go watch something together?” Justin asked
“Sure babe. What do you want to watch?” I replied
He didn’t answer. So I followed him into the room.
“I see you have been baby shopping, I thought we were going to go together. What happened with that?” He asked.
It took everything I had not to tell him that I went alone because he complains the whole time we do something like that, that he never wants to buy things. He thinks that we can get it all after the baby is born and it doesn’t work like that. Instead I bit my tongue and said,
“I know, but mom wanted to get some stuff for us.”
“Well you should have told her that we don’t need her fucking help. That I don’t want a damn thing from her.” he replied.
I stopped right there. I was floored, I couldn’t believe he was talking about my mom, of all people, like she was nothing. If I recall correctly, my mom never did anything but try to help. Where were his parents? Blaming me for this whole situation and calling me a whore to him and his friends. That is where they were.
“I’m sorry, Justin. Will you help me move this dresser to the other side of the room so I can set up Nathaniel’s dresser?” I changed the subject as fast as I could.
“No, I just got off work. I’m going home.” was his reply.
He wanted to leave. Fine. I didn’t need him here. I was pregnant. Not helpless. I could do this on my own. Besides the dresser wasn’t that heavy, I thought to myself. I waited until I knew he was gone then I started to process. I took all the clothes out of my dresser and prepared to push it until it was in the desired spot. After a few pushes I felt fine, plus the dresser was just a few inches from where it needed to be. I pushed it one last time and there was a sudden gush. My pants were soaked. Did I just pee on myself? I sat down for a few second trying to collect myself, that is when the pain hit me. I curled into a ball and screamed. It hurt so bad that it was unreal. This kind of pain was indescribable. I hollered for mom. She came running.
“Ali, what happened?” she asked
“I asked Justin to help but he was ready for bed and had to go home, so I tried to move it myself.” I cried in between the horrible pain.
“Baby girl, you need to calm down. Relax. I’m going to call the doctor.” with that she was out of my room and on the phone.
I could hear her coming up the hall back to the room. There was someone else with her. The door to my room opened and my mom and brother, Josh, were standing in the doorway.
“Up we go.” my brother said as he lifted me off the bed.
I felt my stomach tense back up and the pain overcoming me once more. I knew where we were going. We were going to my doctor. He wanted to see me. I broke my water. I was sure of it. He carried me all the way to mom’s van and set me in the front seat. He never got in, he was weird about going to my girl doctor with me. Mom jumped in, throwing her cane down in between the seats and we were off. The pain came in spurts and everyone hurt worst than the last one. But I refused to show mom how bad it hurt. I refused to cry.
We pulled up to the doctors and dr. Bledsoe met us outside to help me into the exam room.
“Undress from the waist down. Are you okay? You over did it.” he said to me.
I could hear mom explaining to him what she had seen and that it looked like I had pee’d on myself. I love my mom but when it comes to natural things with pregnancy she was no good. She had eight of us, but they never let her stay pregnant long enough to hit 40 weeks. They always ended up taking us c-section. So I don’t think that she ever experienced this pain.
“Alicia, I need you to listen to me, you need to get up and go to the hospital. I will meet you in labor and delivery. It is important that you do not panic. I need to monitor you and the baby and make sure you are alright. I’m going to give you a shot before you leave. It is going to make you feel panicky, but it is going to stop your labor before you progress to far.” Dr. Bledsoe tried to sound calm, for me, I think. I could tell his voice was shaky and I could see the concern in his eyes. I took the shot like I was told, and we were off to the hospital. I cried the whole ride.
Justin met us at the hospital. He was the last person I wanted to see. I was glad that the pain stopped but I knew the minute he walked back to see me, all hell would break loose. After they hooked me up to the iv and the monitor, the room was filled with the sounds of Nathaniel’s heartbeat. It was a sound I could fall asleep too.
I laid there for what seemed for hours, just myself and the sound of Nathaniel’s heartbeat. It relaxed me. When I started to fall into a sleep Dr. Bledsoe walked in.
“I have stopped your labor. This was a close call for you. Your son needs to stay inside of you as long as possible. You need to stay in the bed from now on. I’m placing you on bed rest.” He said.
“Why? What did I do?” I asked.
“When you were moving that dresser, you tore a whole in your water. every time the baby moves it will leak. The furthest I want you walking is to the bathroom. And promise me next time you will ask for help” He replied.
“I will.” I promised.
I didn’t want to tell him that I did but Justin blew me off. I didn’t want to cause a fight. I wanted everyone to like Justin. Not blame him for everything that happened. We left the hospital as soon as I was dressed.
I don’t remember much about the ride home. My mind kept going back to being alone in that hospital bed with Nathaniel, listening to his heartbeat. I was at peace. I would lay in bed and I would do as I was told. The only thing that mattered now was that my baby was okay. That this never happened again. Ever. When I got home I went straight to bed and passed out. I could have slept for days. I was alone, just me, with the sound playing over and over in my head of my Nathaniel’s heartbeat.
Things had started getting weird for me. All I wanted to do these past few weeks is clean. My mom called it nesting. I called it annoying. Sleep was becoming rare. I found myself staying up all night just to paint. Which made me super glad when I was told that Justin was coming over. It meant that it was time to whined down and relax. Even if all we did was watch Cats. I was on the couch watching a scary movie with Victoria when Justin got there. I can’t exactly recall which one it was. We were all the time watching scary movies, there were so many of them that I lost track when she flipped out watching Carrie. I sat there with her, enjoying the last little bit of blood and guts that I would get to see for the rest of the night.
“Are we going to go watch something together?” Justin asked
“Sure babe. What do you want to watch?” I replied
He didn’t answer. So I followed him into the room.
“I see you have been baby shopping, I thought we were going to go together. What happened with that?” He asked.
It took everything I had not to tell him that I went alone because he complains the whole time we do something like that, that he never wants to buy things. He thinks that we can get it all after the baby is born and it doesn’t work like that. Instead I bit my tongue and said,
“I know, but mom wanted to get some stuff for us.”
“Well you should have told her that we don’t need her fucking help. That I don’t want a damn thing from her.” he replied.
I stopped right there. I was floored, I couldn’t believe he was talking about my mom, of all people, like she was nothing. If I recall correctly, my mom never did anything but try to help. Where were his parents? Blaming me for this whole situation and calling me a whore to him and his friends. That is where they were.
“I’m sorry, Justin. Will you help me move this dresser to the other side of the room so I can set up Nathaniel’s dresser?” I changed the subject as fast as I could.
“No, I just got off work. I’m going home.” was his reply.
He wanted to leave. Fine. I didn’t need him here. I was pregnant. Not helpless. I could do this on my own. Besides the dresser wasn’t that heavy, I thought to myself. I waited until I knew he was gone then I started to process. I took all the clothes out of my dresser and prepared to push it until it was in the desired spot. After a few pushes I felt fine, plus the dresser was just a few inches from where it needed to be. I pushed it one last time and there was a sudden gush. My pants were soaked. Did I just pee on myself? I sat down for a few second trying to collect myself, that is when the pain hit me. I curled into a ball and screamed. It hurt so bad that it was unreal. This kind of pain was indescribable. I hollered for mom. She came running.
“Ali, what happened?” she asked
“I asked Justin to help but he was ready for bed and had to go home, so I tried to move it myself.” I cried in between the horrible pain.
“Baby girl, you need to calm down. Relax. I’m going to call the doctor.” with that she was out of my room and on the phone.
I could hear her coming up the hall back to the room. There was someone else with her. The door to my room opened and my mom and brother, Josh, were standing in the doorway.
“Up we go.” my brother said as he lifted me off the bed.
I felt my stomach tense back up and the pain overcoming me once more. I knew where we were going. We were going to my doctor. He wanted to see me. I broke my water. I was sure of it. He carried me all the way to mom’s van and set me in the front seat. He never got in, he was weird about going to my girl doctor with me. Mom jumped in, throwing her cane down in between the seats and we were off. The pain came in spurts and everyone hurt worst than the last one. But I refused to show mom how bad it hurt. I refused to cry.
We pulled up to the doctors and dr. Bledsoe met us outside to help me into the exam room.
“Undress from the waist down. Are you okay? You over did it.” he said to me.
I could hear mom explaining to him what she had seen and that it looked like I had pee’d on myself. I love my mom but when it comes to natural things with pregnancy she was no good. She had eight of us, but they never let her stay pregnant long enough to hit 40 weeks. They always ended up taking us c-section. So I don’t think that she ever experienced this pain.
“Alicia, I need you to listen to me, you need to get up and go to the hospital. I will meet you in labor and delivery. It is important that you do not panic. I need to monitor you and the baby and make sure you are alright. I’m going to give you a shot before you leave. It is going to make you feel panicky, but it is going to stop your labor before you progress to far.” Dr. Bledsoe tried to sound calm, for me, I think. I could tell his voice was shaky and I could see the concern in his eyes. I took the shot like I was told, and we were off to the hospital. I cried the whole ride.
Justin met us at the hospital. He was the last person I wanted to see. I was glad that the pain stopped but I knew the minute he walked back to see me, all hell would break loose. After they hooked me up to the iv and the monitor, the room was filled with the sounds of Nathaniel’s heartbeat. It was a sound I could fall asleep too.
I laid there for what seemed for hours, just myself and the sound of Nathaniel’s heartbeat. It relaxed me. When I started to fall into a sleep Dr. Bledsoe walked in.
“I have stopped your labor. This was a close call for you. Your son needs to stay inside of you as long as possible. You need to stay in the bed from now on. I’m placing you on bed rest.” He said.
“Why? What did I do?” I asked.
“When you were moving that dresser, you tore a whole in your water. every time the baby moves it will leak. The furthest I want you walking is to the bathroom. And promise me next time you will ask for help” He replied.
“I will.” I promised.
I didn’t want to tell him that I did but Justin blew me off. I didn’t want to cause a fight. I wanted everyone to like Justin. Not blame him for everything that happened. We left the hospital as soon as I was dressed.
I don’t remember much about the ride home. My mind kept going back to being alone in that hospital bed with Nathaniel, listening to his heartbeat. I was at peace. I would lay in bed and I would do as I was told. The only thing that mattered now was that my baby was okay. That this never happened again. Ever. When I got home I went straight to bed and passed out. I could have slept for days. I was alone, just me, with the sound playing over and over in my head of my Nathaniel’s heartbeat.
