Surprise!
Words can’t even begin to explain what the next month was like for me, all Justin did was yell and tell me how stupid I was. I was still in and out of the hospital, it became very routine, and everybody knew who I was as I knew who they were. Our hospital had such a great staff. Even when we would go in and Justin had me down they would find a way to make my day or night, whichever it was a little lighter. They gave me hope. Blaming every time I went in on the stress of what was going on between me and him, when we all knew that the reason I had to go in was for a shot to insure that labor didn’t start.
Halloween came and went and it grew colder. Before we knew it Thanksgiving was days away. I was so excited I could hardly hold it in. we had already been to auntie Kim’s the day before, that way she could come to our house the day of thanksgiving, so the whole family could be together. Nothing was better than having us all together even if it was just to eat and watch whatever football game was on. I hadn’t talked to Justin yet that day, and I didn’t think it would hurt so I pulled out my phone. Punched in his number and waited.
“Hey.” he said
“Hey, everyone is here. Want to come spend thanksgiving over here?” I asked
“Actually. I was hoping to come get you and you come over here.” he replied.
I didn’t really want to go over to his house. I didn’t want to be around his family. I was really reluctant but finally agreed, after the I love you’s and good-byes, I had to break the news to mom and everybody that Justin had invited me to eat over there with him and his family. They took it a lot better than I thought. I got my stuff together and before I knew it, Justin was pulling in. He didn’t walk in like he used too, this time he just waited in the car for me and blew his horn. I gave hugs and was out the door. Probably a lot faster than I should have. Before I knew it I was in the car. Everything was quite calm but I had some feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wouldn’t stay that way for long.
“you ready?” He asked
“If I must, I guess I am.” I replied.
“Good, we need to talk.” he said
“Then talk.” I told him.
“Listen, my whole family is going to be there. If you start hurting, deal with it, by yourself. They already don’t like you or the fact that you are pregnant don’t make it any more uncomfortable for them than you have to. Besides the only reason you are coming is because mom wants you to feel like she cares, which she has stated more than once that she doesn’t.” He said.
I didn’t say anything. I was trying not to cry. I just sat there, staring out the window.
“Quit ignoring me, Ali. Your fixing to piss me off.”
Again, I said nothing. To be honest, I really didn’t hear what he was saying, it was almost as if I was a million miles away from him in outer space somewhere. Until it hit, a sudden sting on my cheek, my head cracked the window. I came up, thinking that we had been in wreck, but when I looked the car was in the road and it was still in its lane. that’s when I realized what had happened.
“sorry, I… I just dazed off.” was all I could stammer out.
“You need to stop your shit. Your not going to ruin this for me. I won’t do that to you in front of my parents if you just keep your shit together.” He said.
“Okay, I’m sorry.” I managed.
I tried going the rest of the ride in silence but with Justin it was becoming impossible. All I heard was a list of things of not to do and what not to say. After being slapped twice, I learned quickly to act like I heard what he was saying even if I wasn’t listening. Anything to keep the fighting down. We pulled up at his moms and I could feel the pressure in my waist, almost like everything that was inside of me was about just to fall out, but I kept quiet, I wasn’t going to say anything to Justin about it. I just sat on the couch and put my game face on. I spent a good 3 hours sitting there as everything grew closer.
Finally Justin looked over and asked if I was ready to go home. I didn’t hesitate like I normal do when he asked me something. I flat out almost yelled, ”yes”. We headed to my house. Justin was screaming at me the whole way, I don’t recall much of what was said other than how I had ruined everything. All I could concentrate on was the pain. It would happen and it would hurt. It was almost like somebody had my insides and was twisting them into knots but ten times worse. I could feel myself double over with every second they lasted. I knew what was happening. It was like last time but ten times worse. When we finally got home, mom and auntie Kim helped me into the house. They called the doctor. I was having contractions at ten minutes apart. I could hear the chaos from my bed. Mom walked in not even 2 minutes later. Or so she says. To me every minute seemed like a million hours.
“Take these. They aren’t going to stop your labor this time sweetie. It’s all or nothing. We’ll go into the hospital if you think you can’t handle anymore.”
I took the pills that she gave me and managed to make it through the night. At about 6 am I couldn’t handle anymore. Mom drove us to the hospital, where we were told that there were no beds in labor and delivery that they were going to give me something to knock me out and send me home.
I don’t remember much after taking those pills at the hospital. I don’t even remember the ride home.
The next morning I woke up at 3 and we were off again to the hospital. I was admitted immediately. Instant I.v.’s and endless pain. It was all just washing over me. I could feel everything. I finally convinced the nurses to call the dr. so I could walk around the hospital, maybe ease the pain. So here we were, it was ten in the morning, me in full blown labor and walking down the halls to the front door. I got half way to the front door and there it was. The rest of my water. It came out like it was nothing. Then it hit again. This time I couldn’t move. The pain had me paralyzed. A passerby with a wheel chair really saved us all when I was offered a ride back into the room.
At noon, I agreed to the epidural. Justin and his mom had showed up and from what I had been told the waiting room was full of people who were ready to see Nathaniel. But nobody was as ready as I was. It took four times to get my epidural into place. It was almost like labor was not wanting relief to save me. It wanted me to feel every bit of everything, even though it never really did take away all the pain, it did make it a lot easier to bare. I was able to move, to eat, to function. I laid there and watched TV. I didn’t talk to much of anybody the whole day. Before I knew it, I could feel something barring down on my pelvis and I pushed. I didn’t know what else to do. It was like my body knew exactly what to do.
“Ali what are you doing, The doctor said not to push.” My mom sounded panicked.
I grabbed her by the shirt , pulled her down to me and yelled, “Don’t you tell me not to fucking push, this baby is coming and he is coming now!”
She pulled away as if she didn’t believe me and ripped away my blankets, staring at me and all my glory she yelled, “OH MY GOD! Nurse!”
Before I knew it, the nurse came rushing in, looking at what was going on.
“Your crowning. I’m calling Doctor Bledsoe.” she informed us.
They were back within a couple seconds. Doctor Bledsoe, was going on about how he was going to beat me because this baby had pulled him out of a football game. And going over how to push. And before I knew it, the time had come. This was it, I was about to meet my Nathaniel.
Everything seemed to be in fast forward because all I remember is feeling like I was taking a poop, everything started fading from me. I was falling into nothing. Before I knew it I was wearing an oxygen mask. When I came back to reality for one final push I told them I couldn’t push anymore that’s when I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. Before I knew what was going on, camera’s were flashing and my mom was crying, that’s when I realized, my baby, my son, part of me was here. Doctor Bledsoe handed him to me, he was so beautiful. I broke down. I held him naked against my bare skin and cried. This was it. I knew what god wanted from me. I knew what I had to do. Holding him in my arms, I was no longer Ali. I was mom. I was strong and an emotional. I was unbreakable. I was whole.
Halloween came and went and it grew colder. Before we knew it Thanksgiving was days away. I was so excited I could hardly hold it in. we had already been to auntie Kim’s the day before, that way she could come to our house the day of thanksgiving, so the whole family could be together. Nothing was better than having us all together even if it was just to eat and watch whatever football game was on. I hadn’t talked to Justin yet that day, and I didn’t think it would hurt so I pulled out my phone. Punched in his number and waited.
“Hey.” he said
“Hey, everyone is here. Want to come spend thanksgiving over here?” I asked
“Actually. I was hoping to come get you and you come over here.” he replied.
I didn’t really want to go over to his house. I didn’t want to be around his family. I was really reluctant but finally agreed, after the I love you’s and good-byes, I had to break the news to mom and everybody that Justin had invited me to eat over there with him and his family. They took it a lot better than I thought. I got my stuff together and before I knew it, Justin was pulling in. He didn’t walk in like he used too, this time he just waited in the car for me and blew his horn. I gave hugs and was out the door. Probably a lot faster than I should have. Before I knew it I was in the car. Everything was quite calm but I had some feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wouldn’t stay that way for long.
“you ready?” He asked
“If I must, I guess I am.” I replied.
“Good, we need to talk.” he said
“Then talk.” I told him.
“Listen, my whole family is going to be there. If you start hurting, deal with it, by yourself. They already don’t like you or the fact that you are pregnant don’t make it any more uncomfortable for them than you have to. Besides the only reason you are coming is because mom wants you to feel like she cares, which she has stated more than once that she doesn’t.” He said.
I didn’t say anything. I was trying not to cry. I just sat there, staring out the window.
“Quit ignoring me, Ali. Your fixing to piss me off.”
Again, I said nothing. To be honest, I really didn’t hear what he was saying, it was almost as if I was a million miles away from him in outer space somewhere. Until it hit, a sudden sting on my cheek, my head cracked the window. I came up, thinking that we had been in wreck, but when I looked the car was in the road and it was still in its lane. that’s when I realized what had happened.
“sorry, I… I just dazed off.” was all I could stammer out.
“You need to stop your shit. Your not going to ruin this for me. I won’t do that to you in front of my parents if you just keep your shit together.” He said.
“Okay, I’m sorry.” I managed.
I tried going the rest of the ride in silence but with Justin it was becoming impossible. All I heard was a list of things of not to do and what not to say. After being slapped twice, I learned quickly to act like I heard what he was saying even if I wasn’t listening. Anything to keep the fighting down. We pulled up at his moms and I could feel the pressure in my waist, almost like everything that was inside of me was about just to fall out, but I kept quiet, I wasn’t going to say anything to Justin about it. I just sat on the couch and put my game face on. I spent a good 3 hours sitting there as everything grew closer.
Finally Justin looked over and asked if I was ready to go home. I didn’t hesitate like I normal do when he asked me something. I flat out almost yelled, ”yes”. We headed to my house. Justin was screaming at me the whole way, I don’t recall much of what was said other than how I had ruined everything. All I could concentrate on was the pain. It would happen and it would hurt. It was almost like somebody had my insides and was twisting them into knots but ten times worse. I could feel myself double over with every second they lasted. I knew what was happening. It was like last time but ten times worse. When we finally got home, mom and auntie Kim helped me into the house. They called the doctor. I was having contractions at ten minutes apart. I could hear the chaos from my bed. Mom walked in not even 2 minutes later. Or so she says. To me every minute seemed like a million hours.
“Take these. They aren’t going to stop your labor this time sweetie. It’s all or nothing. We’ll go into the hospital if you think you can’t handle anymore.”
I took the pills that she gave me and managed to make it through the night. At about 6 am I couldn’t handle anymore. Mom drove us to the hospital, where we were told that there were no beds in labor and delivery that they were going to give me something to knock me out and send me home.
I don’t remember much after taking those pills at the hospital. I don’t even remember the ride home.
The next morning I woke up at 3 and we were off again to the hospital. I was admitted immediately. Instant I.v.’s and endless pain. It was all just washing over me. I could feel everything. I finally convinced the nurses to call the dr. so I could walk around the hospital, maybe ease the pain. So here we were, it was ten in the morning, me in full blown labor and walking down the halls to the front door. I got half way to the front door and there it was. The rest of my water. It came out like it was nothing. Then it hit again. This time I couldn’t move. The pain had me paralyzed. A passerby with a wheel chair really saved us all when I was offered a ride back into the room.
At noon, I agreed to the epidural. Justin and his mom had showed up and from what I had been told the waiting room was full of people who were ready to see Nathaniel. But nobody was as ready as I was. It took four times to get my epidural into place. It was almost like labor was not wanting relief to save me. It wanted me to feel every bit of everything, even though it never really did take away all the pain, it did make it a lot easier to bare. I was able to move, to eat, to function. I laid there and watched TV. I didn’t talk to much of anybody the whole day. Before I knew it, I could feel something barring down on my pelvis and I pushed. I didn’t know what else to do. It was like my body knew exactly what to do.
“Ali what are you doing, The doctor said not to push.” My mom sounded panicked.
I grabbed her by the shirt , pulled her down to me and yelled, “Don’t you tell me not to fucking push, this baby is coming and he is coming now!”
She pulled away as if she didn’t believe me and ripped away my blankets, staring at me and all my glory she yelled, “OH MY GOD! Nurse!”
Before I knew it, the nurse came rushing in, looking at what was going on.
“Your crowning. I’m calling Doctor Bledsoe.” she informed us.
They were back within a couple seconds. Doctor Bledsoe, was going on about how he was going to beat me because this baby had pulled him out of a football game. And going over how to push. And before I knew it, the time had come. This was it, I was about to meet my Nathaniel.
Everything seemed to be in fast forward because all I remember is feeling like I was taking a poop, everything started fading from me. I was falling into nothing. Before I knew it I was wearing an oxygen mask. When I came back to reality for one final push I told them I couldn’t push anymore that’s when I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. Before I knew what was going on, camera’s were flashing and my mom was crying, that’s when I realized, my baby, my son, part of me was here. Doctor Bledsoe handed him to me, he was so beautiful. I broke down. I held him naked against my bare skin and cried. This was it. I knew what god wanted from me. I knew what I had to do. Holding him in my arms, I was no longer Ali. I was mom. I was strong and an emotional. I was unbreakable. I was whole.
