Losing Touch with Childhood
This can’t be happening to me. I’m only sixteen, I can’t be pregnant! The only words I could think of when I looked at the pregnancy test in my hand. How am I going to tell my parents? Now I will never finish school. The fear I felt was starting to consume me. My whole life, my dreams, my relationship with my mom, I worked so hard for it, all just flew out the window.
I stood there in my room for what seemed like hours, praying to god it was wrong. I couldn’t possibly take care of a baby, not alone and I knew for a fact the minute I told my boyfriend he would leave me to face it alone. It was at that moment I realized I was crying. What was I going to do? I should have said no, but we were together so long the moment just seemed right. I would take it all back now, given the chance. I had never felt so stupid before in my life. In the heat of the moment I threw everything away. And I mean everything. How was I going to get on Broadway with a toddler? All my dreams of becoming an actress, and ever becoming famous were all gone. Everything was gone. I went to sleep that night feeling alone. I didn’t even call my boyfriend, I knew he probably would get the picture something was up because I would not answer his calls. But it just seemed like the right thing to do.
At about midnight it hit me. A sudden wave of nausea, I ran to the bathroom, and began to throw up what I thought might have been everything I had eaten in the past three years and when there was nothing else for me to throw up I started to dry heave. I must have slept in the bathroom that night because when I finally got up to get dressed it was ten minutes until my bus got to the house to take me to school. I started to feel better by the time I got to school, and I chatted with my friends like nothing was wrong. If they knew they would stop talking to me. And this I knew for a fact. I sat there with my best friend at the time, Tiffany. We sat and cut up like we always did. To anybody else I was the same person and today was just another day, nobody would have ever guessed that inside me a life was forming and I was starting to feel helpless, that is until Tiff. Gave me a piece gum, naturally I accepted it and the minute I started to chew the nausea hit, again. I ran into the school bathroom. Tiff followed me and that’s when I decided maybe if I told her I wouldn’t feel so alone. I told her about the night before. I explained to her all my feelings and in that very moment I had fallen in love with this new part of me. we both cried for what seemed like hours. She was the only person who understood how scared I actually was, not that she had kids but its almost like she knew exactly what to say. She convinced me in that moment that telling him, my boyfriend, Justin, was in the best interest for everyone who knows. I knew it was going to be a mistake but I didn’t want to let my best friend down. So maybe it would be best to just suck up my pride and tell him, maybe he wouldn’t do as I thought, although I was positive he would. So with Tiff by my side we walked back to where we sat every morning, in front of the main doors to the cafeteria, looked out the window and awaited my fate. When I saw Justin making his way up the walk way to the building I could feel my stomach sink into nothing, and I was quite relieved that I had for some reason stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket and forgot about it until just at that moment. It would make telling him a lot easier, now all I had to do was hand him the test and walk away. It doesn’t take a genius to read one of those. As I stood there thinking of creative ways to tell him without scaring him off, he had managed to make his way into the school and next to me where he stood without saying a word. Apparently he was still furious with the fact I had ignored him all night. When I finally snapped out of my mind and came back to the reality of everything, everyone was staring at me. Can we say uncomfortable. I looked at Justin and it was almost like he knew what I was going to tell him before I ever opened my mouth. He looked as if he had been up all night crying. “lets go for a walk. I have something I need to tell you”, were my exact words. He followed in silence. When we got around the corner out of hearing range, I reached in my pocket, handed him the test and said,” im so sorry.” he looked at me and said, “so this is why you’ve been ignoring me? I thought you were breaking up with me”. “so it doesn’t matter to you that we are having a baby? Are you going to leave me”? he looked into my eyes and for the first time he looked so sincere and said, “what kind of father would I be if I walked out on my child, even if its still a work in progress.” I smiled. The outcome was way better than I had expected. At that moment I felt like an idiot for even thinking that he would leave, I should have had more faith in him. At that moment the first bell rang and as I walked to my first class of the day, for the first time I felt what it was like to have a family and it didn’t feel half bad, as a matter of a fact I loved the feeling. I placed my hand on my stomach for the first of many times and for once in my life I felt complete.
The next few days flew by flawlessly, the morning sickness wasn’t so bad and me and Justin seemed to have gotten closer. It was very nice. And I thanked god for it. We, besides tiff were the only people to know and when it was just me and him with the baby I was carrying we were a family. An untouchable love that would never break or fall apart. The love I could feel coming from him into me was surreal and I loved it. I liked the fact that no matter what he would be with me. And I loved the fact that I had finally fell in love with someone besides my cat, Ozzy.
It was now a Tuesday and me and Justin had decided to go to the Wal-Mart and walk around just for the bonding time. We did it a lot, it seemed to be the only time we could be ourselves without school or his overbearing mother trying to make decisions for him and make him feel like complete shit for being with me in the first place. He wanted this family as much as I did and I knew that he loved the baby that was growing inside of me. He’s mother and father had tried everything under the sun to get him to break up with me. They drove me crazy. I would have liked to give them a piece of my mind but Justin would always tell me to be nice. It would make me so mad that no matter what she did, EVEN when she WAS wrong, he would still defend her. It would push me to my limits not doubt. We were gone for hours and when we finally got to the car so I could get home, he gave me the ring. It was beautiful. Fake, but beautiful. And at that moment it seemed like we could face the world and nothing would ever happen. Not to us.
When we got to my house, it was about nine or ten and my mom was up waiting, as usual. She hated to be left out of anything. So as I walked to the house I prepared myself for having to sit there and go over every little detail, going to Wal-Mart, the talk, if he stood up to his mother yet, and then about the ring. I knew she would tell me I was to young and that I don’t know what love is, but I did and I still do. She will say that she wants better for me and I will say that this is what I want. Then she will cry and when she is finished she will make a pot of coffee and we will drink and talk about her day. I loved my mom. There was no doubt about that one. She always knew how to be the life of the party, that’s for sure. She would always look her best and even with her tattoo’s she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on. I walked up to the door and started to open it. When I walked inside I was quite surprised to find everyone in bed already. I had escaped the talk with my mother but I wasn’t sure that I would be able to sleep without telling her goodnight.
So as I walked into her room to kiss her goodnight, I realized that she was not in her bed. Needless to say, at this point I was flipping out because my mother was gone. This was a new one for me, because her and dad had stopped partying and going out a long time ago. Wondering where she could be I made my way to my room, still confused on where my mother was hiding. When I opened the door I about jumped out of my skin because there on my bed my mother sat. waiting for me. It was a little creepy but not as creepy as the conversation that followed. “you and Justin have been having sex, haven’t you?” she asked.
“Yes”, I replied.
“How could this happen? I thought you were smarter than that. I thought we were best friends, why didn’t you tell me?” she went on.
“mom, I figured you got the picture when I asked for birth control”.
“You know I don’t believe in that, its unnatural… Wait are you pregnant?”
At that moment I could feel myself tense. I know I should tell her but why make her worry? Why would I tell her something so horrible? I would just feel like I let her down. She was all the time talking about how she wanted better for me than what she had. That she didn’t want me to end up like her. That I had messed up my life. And then to top it off I would have to sit there and single handedly make my mother cry. And I hated nothing more than to see that woman cry and to know that she was crying because I had been so careless would be more than I can handle. My week had already been an emotional rollercoaster, I just didn’t know if I can handle her emotions on top of all of it, so I did what I thought was best at the time.
“I don’t know what your talking about”, I lied. “Do you honestly think I would be that careless. Come on mom. Have some faith in me”.
Just hearing myself tell this lie made my heart sink in my chest. I can’t believe that I was actually lying to her over something this important. But I guess I’m not the first pregnant sixteen year old to lie to her mother the way I was lying to mine at this very moment. When she finds out she is not only going to murder me because I am pregnant, she is going to murder me again for lying to her. I can’t even begin to explain how massive this punishment is going to be for me when the truth comes out. But until then, I think what I am doing is the best for everybody. At least for the moment being.
She sat there and looked at me like she knew but she wanted to believe me. I can tell she wanted too. But looking at her, I knew she didn’t.
“I’m buying a pregnancy test tomorrow and you are going to take it, before your father gets home from work. Just in case. And if you are, which I’m not calling you a liar but I’m also not stupid, we will find a way to tell your father. Together.” with that being said. She got up and left. Whether she went to her room or into the living room I don’t really know. But I wasn’t going to go out there with her. Not tonight, there was just to much on my mind and to tell you the truth once I sat on my, I realized I was just way to tired to deal with it or anything else tonight.
I stood there in my room for what seemed like hours, praying to god it was wrong. I couldn’t possibly take care of a baby, not alone and I knew for a fact the minute I told my boyfriend he would leave me to face it alone. It was at that moment I realized I was crying. What was I going to do? I should have said no, but we were together so long the moment just seemed right. I would take it all back now, given the chance. I had never felt so stupid before in my life. In the heat of the moment I threw everything away. And I mean everything. How was I going to get on Broadway with a toddler? All my dreams of becoming an actress, and ever becoming famous were all gone. Everything was gone. I went to sleep that night feeling alone. I didn’t even call my boyfriend, I knew he probably would get the picture something was up because I would not answer his calls. But it just seemed like the right thing to do.
At about midnight it hit me. A sudden wave of nausea, I ran to the bathroom, and began to throw up what I thought might have been everything I had eaten in the past three years and when there was nothing else for me to throw up I started to dry heave. I must have slept in the bathroom that night because when I finally got up to get dressed it was ten minutes until my bus got to the house to take me to school. I started to feel better by the time I got to school, and I chatted with my friends like nothing was wrong. If they knew they would stop talking to me. And this I knew for a fact. I sat there with my best friend at the time, Tiffany. We sat and cut up like we always did. To anybody else I was the same person and today was just another day, nobody would have ever guessed that inside me a life was forming and I was starting to feel helpless, that is until Tiff. Gave me a piece gum, naturally I accepted it and the minute I started to chew the nausea hit, again. I ran into the school bathroom. Tiff followed me and that’s when I decided maybe if I told her I wouldn’t feel so alone. I told her about the night before. I explained to her all my feelings and in that very moment I had fallen in love with this new part of me. we both cried for what seemed like hours. She was the only person who understood how scared I actually was, not that she had kids but its almost like she knew exactly what to say. She convinced me in that moment that telling him, my boyfriend, Justin, was in the best interest for everyone who knows. I knew it was going to be a mistake but I didn’t want to let my best friend down. So maybe it would be best to just suck up my pride and tell him, maybe he wouldn’t do as I thought, although I was positive he would. So with Tiff by my side we walked back to where we sat every morning, in front of the main doors to the cafeteria, looked out the window and awaited my fate. When I saw Justin making his way up the walk way to the building I could feel my stomach sink into nothing, and I was quite relieved that I had for some reason stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket and forgot about it until just at that moment. It would make telling him a lot easier, now all I had to do was hand him the test and walk away. It doesn’t take a genius to read one of those. As I stood there thinking of creative ways to tell him without scaring him off, he had managed to make his way into the school and next to me where he stood without saying a word. Apparently he was still furious with the fact I had ignored him all night. When I finally snapped out of my mind and came back to the reality of everything, everyone was staring at me. Can we say uncomfortable. I looked at Justin and it was almost like he knew what I was going to tell him before I ever opened my mouth. He looked as if he had been up all night crying. “lets go for a walk. I have something I need to tell you”, were my exact words. He followed in silence. When we got around the corner out of hearing range, I reached in my pocket, handed him the test and said,” im so sorry.” he looked at me and said, “so this is why you’ve been ignoring me? I thought you were breaking up with me”. “so it doesn’t matter to you that we are having a baby? Are you going to leave me”? he looked into my eyes and for the first time he looked so sincere and said, “what kind of father would I be if I walked out on my child, even if its still a work in progress.” I smiled. The outcome was way better than I had expected. At that moment I felt like an idiot for even thinking that he would leave, I should have had more faith in him. At that moment the first bell rang and as I walked to my first class of the day, for the first time I felt what it was like to have a family and it didn’t feel half bad, as a matter of a fact I loved the feeling. I placed my hand on my stomach for the first of many times and for once in my life I felt complete.
The next few days flew by flawlessly, the morning sickness wasn’t so bad and me and Justin seemed to have gotten closer. It was very nice. And I thanked god for it. We, besides tiff were the only people to know and when it was just me and him with the baby I was carrying we were a family. An untouchable love that would never break or fall apart. The love I could feel coming from him into me was surreal and I loved it. I liked the fact that no matter what he would be with me. And I loved the fact that I had finally fell in love with someone besides my cat, Ozzy.
It was now a Tuesday and me and Justin had decided to go to the Wal-Mart and walk around just for the bonding time. We did it a lot, it seemed to be the only time we could be ourselves without school or his overbearing mother trying to make decisions for him and make him feel like complete shit for being with me in the first place. He wanted this family as much as I did and I knew that he loved the baby that was growing inside of me. He’s mother and father had tried everything under the sun to get him to break up with me. They drove me crazy. I would have liked to give them a piece of my mind but Justin would always tell me to be nice. It would make me so mad that no matter what she did, EVEN when she WAS wrong, he would still defend her. It would push me to my limits not doubt. We were gone for hours and when we finally got to the car so I could get home, he gave me the ring. It was beautiful. Fake, but beautiful. And at that moment it seemed like we could face the world and nothing would ever happen. Not to us.
When we got to my house, it was about nine or ten and my mom was up waiting, as usual. She hated to be left out of anything. So as I walked to the house I prepared myself for having to sit there and go over every little detail, going to Wal-Mart, the talk, if he stood up to his mother yet, and then about the ring. I knew she would tell me I was to young and that I don’t know what love is, but I did and I still do. She will say that she wants better for me and I will say that this is what I want. Then she will cry and when she is finished she will make a pot of coffee and we will drink and talk about her day. I loved my mom. There was no doubt about that one. She always knew how to be the life of the party, that’s for sure. She would always look her best and even with her tattoo’s she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on. I walked up to the door and started to open it. When I walked inside I was quite surprised to find everyone in bed already. I had escaped the talk with my mother but I wasn’t sure that I would be able to sleep without telling her goodnight.
So as I walked into her room to kiss her goodnight, I realized that she was not in her bed. Needless to say, at this point I was flipping out because my mother was gone. This was a new one for me, because her and dad had stopped partying and going out a long time ago. Wondering where she could be I made my way to my room, still confused on where my mother was hiding. When I opened the door I about jumped out of my skin because there on my bed my mother sat. waiting for me. It was a little creepy but not as creepy as the conversation that followed. “you and Justin have been having sex, haven’t you?” she asked.
“Yes”, I replied.
“How could this happen? I thought you were smarter than that. I thought we were best friends, why didn’t you tell me?” she went on.
“mom, I figured you got the picture when I asked for birth control”.
“You know I don’t believe in that, its unnatural… Wait are you pregnant?”
At that moment I could feel myself tense. I know I should tell her but why make her worry? Why would I tell her something so horrible? I would just feel like I let her down. She was all the time talking about how she wanted better for me than what she had. That she didn’t want me to end up like her. That I had messed up my life. And then to top it off I would have to sit there and single handedly make my mother cry. And I hated nothing more than to see that woman cry and to know that she was crying because I had been so careless would be more than I can handle. My week had already been an emotional rollercoaster, I just didn’t know if I can handle her emotions on top of all of it, so I did what I thought was best at the time.
“I don’t know what your talking about”, I lied. “Do you honestly think I would be that careless. Come on mom. Have some faith in me”.
Just hearing myself tell this lie made my heart sink in my chest. I can’t believe that I was actually lying to her over something this important. But I guess I’m not the first pregnant sixteen year old to lie to her mother the way I was lying to mine at this very moment. When she finds out she is not only going to murder me because I am pregnant, she is going to murder me again for lying to her. I can’t even begin to explain how massive this punishment is going to be for me when the truth comes out. But until then, I think what I am doing is the best for everybody. At least for the moment being.
She sat there and looked at me like she knew but she wanted to believe me. I can tell she wanted too. But looking at her, I knew she didn’t.
“I’m buying a pregnancy test tomorrow and you are going to take it, before your father gets home from work. Just in case. And if you are, which I’m not calling you a liar but I’m also not stupid, we will find a way to tell your father. Together.” with that being said. She got up and left. Whether she went to her room or into the living room I don’t really know. But I wasn’t going to go out there with her. Not tonight, there was just to much on my mind and to tell you the truth once I sat on my, I realized I was just way to tired to deal with it or anything else tonight.
