My Longest Kept Secret
Christmas had come and gone, almost flew by effortlessly. Nothing seemed to be going wrong and everything was falling into place for me and Justin. Our fights had become rare to none at the time and I actually felt like I was the only one. Which I now know wasn’t the case, he was just trying to bring heat off of the subject and it worked well, the sex had gotten better and so had we. I finally felt like my family was going to work out after so many nights of crying because I never thought it would.
New years eve was approaching and I was hiding something, more of a feeling, a hunch. I thought I was pregnant. Which seemed impossible sense I was on the pill and I was taking it religiously. There was no way so I never said anything to anyone until new years eve when I finally broke down and took it.
At 12:01 am on new years eve I had confirmed to myself that I was in fact pregnant again with my second child. I felt so many emotions, most of all I felt guilt. Guilt because Nathaniel would no longer be an only child, because I knew deep down that I was but played it off as just a feeling and kept taking my birth control and most of all I felt guilty because I couldn’t tell anybody. I would just have to keep going day to day acting as if I wasn’t expecting again. Acting as if nothing had changed.
I kept the secret for three weeks before telling Justin. Who took me to the dr immediately, not to dr Bledsoe but to a doctor in Sweetwater. I don’t remember his name all I do remember about the man was that he was supposed to be the best doctor around and sense we had the insurance, Justin jumped on the opportunity to go.
We set up my first appointment with him, for early in the morning. Made it out to be a normal appointment with the female doctor to his parents and we were off. I felt fear grip me the whole way to his office. When we got there he got us in faster than doctor Bledsoe ever thought about being and we were in a huge room compared to the small closet like rooms at doctor Bledsoe’s office. There was pictures on every wall of babies. It seemed comfortable almost like it could be a home away from home. And I’m sure to that poor doctor it was.
“Miss Gay, If you don’t mind will you strip from the waist down” The nurse asked.
“Uh, sure” I said. I knew the whole drill by now.
“The doctor will be in, in just a minute to see how your guys’ baby is doing.” she said and with that she was gone.
That is when it first hit me, what if something was wrong and there was nothing they could do to fix it. I could see it now.
I guess the doctor had come in while I was running over scenario’s in my head about what could be happening. He never said anything due to him being head first into my chart and I never even noticed he was there until I had convinced myself that nothing was wrong and I was just being foolish.
“Can I call you Alicia?” he asked startling me.
“I prefer Ali, if you don’t care.” I said.
“Okay, Ali, are you ready to see this baby?” He asked with a smile.
He was a handsome man who stood about five foot six inches, if I would have been single I would have been putting the move on him as most girls would say.
“Yes I am.” I replied
The put the ultra sound machine to my stomach and started to move it around.
“Oh no.” he said, I felt my heart drop.
“What do you mean oh no? What is wrong?” I asked trying to hide that I was so close to tears.
He pointed it out to me, there in my uterus was more than just a baby, there was also a blood clot the size of a golf ball. I looked at the screen for a good while before breaking down.
“It’s called a managed miscarriage. When you pass the clot you will most likely pass your baby too. I want to see you back in two weeks. I am so sorry.” He said. And then he left.
I sat there on the bed and looked at Justin who was crying, that is when I lost it, I mean really lost it. How could this be happening? What did I do that was so wrong? How was I going to explain to Jana everything that was going on?
I finally decided to have Justin do it. On the ride home he called his mom.
“mom, Ali has a blood clot the size of a golf ball in her uterus. She’ll have to be seen again in two weeks just in case she can’t pass it on her own.” he said. “Yes mom. Okay I love you too.” and he hung up.
“she knows doesn’t she?” I asked
“I think she might and she is just waiting on us to tell her.” he said.
“Well I’m not telling them.” I said
“lets just leave it be until we find out what is going on at your next doctors appointment.” he said
“Sounds good to me.”
The next two weeks were stressful as they would be for any mother in my situation. With the fact that I could lose my baby at any second I held strong to my normal activities. I couldn’t let anybody know that I was pregnant. When it came time to go back to the doctor, jana went with me, because Justin had to work. Me and jana didn’t say much of anything on the ride there. I just sat and stared out the window while jana drove. We got inside and into the waiting room where jana stayed the whole doctors visit.
Back in the room I was told to strip from the waist down and I did. I sat there and waited for what seemed like hours just to hear the worst news any mom could hear. That I had lost my baby. But that isn’t what happened, the ultra sound reviled that I had indeed passed the clot but the baby was still there. I still had him or her and all my worrying was for nothing. I told the nurse that I didn’t want the lady in the waiting room knowing because she would freak out which was nothing less of the truth. I walked out my head held high and a paper in my back pocket that said I was due on September 9, 2009.
I hid the news from everybody for a good week before Justin finally broke down and told his parents. Which caused an all out fight between me and them. Wayne had walked up to me and started in.
“Your not having this baby.” he said
“You can’t stop me, besides its not like I meant to get pregnant.” I replied
“I honestly think that you stopped taking your birth control because you want to bring my son down more than you already have.” he screamed
“You want me to go get my birth control and show you that I was taking it up until three weeks ago?” I yelled right back.
“I think you need to get rid of that baby.” he said
“I don’t think I need too.” I said.
Jana just stood there, I waited on her to defend me. I thought as a mom she would understand why I was fighting so hard against this abortion that they were forcing me into.
“It’s not even got a heartbeat yet, you don’t need it.” wayne said after calming down
“Whether it has a heartbeat or not I still love it.” I said
“How can you love something so fast?” he asked.
“ I don’t know. But I do.” I said.
Grabbing Nathaniel up I ran to my station wagon and tore of the drive way in tears. Why was this happening? How can good news turn the world against me? It wasn’t ten minutes when we arrived at the Sonic that Justin was working at. I called in and asked for him to come outside and they said that they would have him right out. By the time he got to the car I was in tears.
“They want me to get an abortion.” I cried
“Well Ali, what do you expect. What did mom say?” he asked
“She didn’t say anything.” I said
“So it was just dad. I figured.” He said I could tell that he was getting angry. “I want you to take Nathaniel and go to your grandma’s until I get off.”
“Okay“, I said “I will.”
At grandma’s I didn’t say much. I just sat outside and chain smoked while she played with Nathaniel. It gave me time to think. Maybe they were right and I was just pulling Justin down even further than I already have. Maybe it was best that I murder our child so that he can be happy.
Allot of things ran through my head that night. Pro’s and con’s mostly and I ended up deciding against the abortion, I was going to keep this baby no matter what. I was not going to murder and child. Not one that couldn’t even defend itself. I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t right. Not by me. Not by god and most of all not by this baby.
New years eve was approaching and I was hiding something, more of a feeling, a hunch. I thought I was pregnant. Which seemed impossible sense I was on the pill and I was taking it religiously. There was no way so I never said anything to anyone until new years eve when I finally broke down and took it.
At 12:01 am on new years eve I had confirmed to myself that I was in fact pregnant again with my second child. I felt so many emotions, most of all I felt guilt. Guilt because Nathaniel would no longer be an only child, because I knew deep down that I was but played it off as just a feeling and kept taking my birth control and most of all I felt guilty because I couldn’t tell anybody. I would just have to keep going day to day acting as if I wasn’t expecting again. Acting as if nothing had changed.
I kept the secret for three weeks before telling Justin. Who took me to the dr immediately, not to dr Bledsoe but to a doctor in Sweetwater. I don’t remember his name all I do remember about the man was that he was supposed to be the best doctor around and sense we had the insurance, Justin jumped on the opportunity to go.
We set up my first appointment with him, for early in the morning. Made it out to be a normal appointment with the female doctor to his parents and we were off. I felt fear grip me the whole way to his office. When we got there he got us in faster than doctor Bledsoe ever thought about being and we were in a huge room compared to the small closet like rooms at doctor Bledsoe’s office. There was pictures on every wall of babies. It seemed comfortable almost like it could be a home away from home. And I’m sure to that poor doctor it was.
“Miss Gay, If you don’t mind will you strip from the waist down” The nurse asked.
“Uh, sure” I said. I knew the whole drill by now.
“The doctor will be in, in just a minute to see how your guys’ baby is doing.” she said and with that she was gone.
That is when it first hit me, what if something was wrong and there was nothing they could do to fix it. I could see it now.
I guess the doctor had come in while I was running over scenario’s in my head about what could be happening. He never said anything due to him being head first into my chart and I never even noticed he was there until I had convinced myself that nothing was wrong and I was just being foolish.
“Can I call you Alicia?” he asked startling me.
“I prefer Ali, if you don’t care.” I said.
“Okay, Ali, are you ready to see this baby?” He asked with a smile.
He was a handsome man who stood about five foot six inches, if I would have been single I would have been putting the move on him as most girls would say.
“Yes I am.” I replied
The put the ultra sound machine to my stomach and started to move it around.
“Oh no.” he said, I felt my heart drop.
“What do you mean oh no? What is wrong?” I asked trying to hide that I was so close to tears.
He pointed it out to me, there in my uterus was more than just a baby, there was also a blood clot the size of a golf ball. I looked at the screen for a good while before breaking down.
“It’s called a managed miscarriage. When you pass the clot you will most likely pass your baby too. I want to see you back in two weeks. I am so sorry.” He said. And then he left.
I sat there on the bed and looked at Justin who was crying, that is when I lost it, I mean really lost it. How could this be happening? What did I do that was so wrong? How was I going to explain to Jana everything that was going on?
I finally decided to have Justin do it. On the ride home he called his mom.
“mom, Ali has a blood clot the size of a golf ball in her uterus. She’ll have to be seen again in two weeks just in case she can’t pass it on her own.” he said. “Yes mom. Okay I love you too.” and he hung up.
“she knows doesn’t she?” I asked
“I think she might and she is just waiting on us to tell her.” he said.
“Well I’m not telling them.” I said
“lets just leave it be until we find out what is going on at your next doctors appointment.” he said
“Sounds good to me.”
The next two weeks were stressful as they would be for any mother in my situation. With the fact that I could lose my baby at any second I held strong to my normal activities. I couldn’t let anybody know that I was pregnant. When it came time to go back to the doctor, jana went with me, because Justin had to work. Me and jana didn’t say much of anything on the ride there. I just sat and stared out the window while jana drove. We got inside and into the waiting room where jana stayed the whole doctors visit.
Back in the room I was told to strip from the waist down and I did. I sat there and waited for what seemed like hours just to hear the worst news any mom could hear. That I had lost my baby. But that isn’t what happened, the ultra sound reviled that I had indeed passed the clot but the baby was still there. I still had him or her and all my worrying was for nothing. I told the nurse that I didn’t want the lady in the waiting room knowing because she would freak out which was nothing less of the truth. I walked out my head held high and a paper in my back pocket that said I was due on September 9, 2009.
I hid the news from everybody for a good week before Justin finally broke down and told his parents. Which caused an all out fight between me and them. Wayne had walked up to me and started in.
“Your not having this baby.” he said
“You can’t stop me, besides its not like I meant to get pregnant.” I replied
“I honestly think that you stopped taking your birth control because you want to bring my son down more than you already have.” he screamed
“You want me to go get my birth control and show you that I was taking it up until three weeks ago?” I yelled right back.
“I think you need to get rid of that baby.” he said
“I don’t think I need too.” I said.
Jana just stood there, I waited on her to defend me. I thought as a mom she would understand why I was fighting so hard against this abortion that they were forcing me into.
“It’s not even got a heartbeat yet, you don’t need it.” wayne said after calming down
“Whether it has a heartbeat or not I still love it.” I said
“How can you love something so fast?” he asked.
“ I don’t know. But I do.” I said.
Grabbing Nathaniel up I ran to my station wagon and tore of the drive way in tears. Why was this happening? How can good news turn the world against me? It wasn’t ten minutes when we arrived at the Sonic that Justin was working at. I called in and asked for him to come outside and they said that they would have him right out. By the time he got to the car I was in tears.
“They want me to get an abortion.” I cried
“Well Ali, what do you expect. What did mom say?” he asked
“She didn’t say anything.” I said
“So it was just dad. I figured.” He said I could tell that he was getting angry. “I want you to take Nathaniel and go to your grandma’s until I get off.”
“Okay“, I said “I will.”
At grandma’s I didn’t say much. I just sat outside and chain smoked while she played with Nathaniel. It gave me time to think. Maybe they were right and I was just pulling Justin down even further than I already have. Maybe it was best that I murder our child so that he can be happy.
Allot of things ran through my head that night. Pro’s and con’s mostly and I ended up deciding against the abortion, I was going to keep this baby no matter what. I was not going to murder and child. Not one that couldn’t even defend itself. I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t right. Not by me. Not by god and most of all not by this baby.
